My husband and I wanted a baby. After more time than expected, after tracking cycles, scheduling and testing finally we found ourselves elated to see a positive test result. We were in love and just wanted to shout it from the roof top. We excitedly told our parents, our bosses and some of our closest friends. However, that happiness only lasted a few weeks. After a blood test and a confirmation ultrasound, it was clear we had lost the baby that we had so quickly fallen in love with. There is no way to describe the feeling perfectly. You just feel hopeless; like you failed at being a mom before you even got the chance to try.
We still desperately wanted to become parents. My husband and I let the appropriate amount of time to pass as we let my body heal and our hearts as best that we could. Hope was still missing as almost a full year passed. I will never forget the desperate prayers, the begging and deals I would make with God. I had heard that a sign of a healthy pregnancy was morning sickness, so naturally I even prayed to be nauseous.
My husband had left for work. I rolled out of bed to get ready to head off to work myself. However, that morning was different, as I started to brush my teeth, I quickly found myself on my knees bowing in front of the toilet. I didn't even need to take a pregnancy test, I just burst into tears. I shouted praise and just wanted to thank God as much as I had begged Him, as much as I bartered with Him. He answered our prayers and maybe a little too perfectly as I spent almost the full nine months sick to my stomach. Even though I wasn't feeling well, I was grateful for the reminder that I had a healthy baby. But, this time wasn't the same as the first. We didn't want to shout it from the roof tops and there was a little fear with every cramp, twinge and ultrasound.
I can honestly say that the plunge into dying to myself, to my selfishness and fully relying on Christ started in the fear that I found in pregnancy. It was completely out of my control. It was completely in His control. I had no other option than to start trusting that He was knitting that baby together in my belly. I had no other option than to believe that He was fulfilling my dreams. I am so grateful for the lessons that He had laced into all of the heartbreak. I am thankful to the whispers of hope and healing along the way.
One of my many prayers, as I was begging God for a healthy baby was to carry it full term. Well, again be careful of what you pray. I carried our baby boy almost a full two weeks past full term. On May 21st, 2012 I was induced to give birth to a healthy baby boy.
There were so many alarms, so many monitors, so many nurses, so many doctors, but all I could manage to do was stare at one particular monitor. I couldn't focus on much else, just one screen, one line of zig-zags that kept turning into a straight line. All of the fear from early in the pregnancy came rushing back. I wasn't very aware of what was happening in the room. My epidural was placed wrong more than once, my blood pressure was dangerously low and I didn't have much iron left in my body. My sweet baby's heart was slow and kept stopping, that was all that I cared about and almost all of what I can remember. My mom and husband have filled in the blanks for me since. I was being prepped for a C-section, I had signed papers wanting my son to have a full life if it came down to a choice between him or me. That choice came to a forefront as my baby and I were both fighting to survive. There was a point where I was not of sound mind, the times that I could gain focus, it was on that one monitor, on that one line.
Shortly before they would wheel me off to surgery, a new doctor ran into the room. He asked the doctor and nurses that had been with me for hours to step out and speak with him. He made it clear to them that I would not survive a C-section. He walked back into the hospital room with confidence and what he hoped to be a solution. The next thing I remember is having nurses and my mom yelling "PUSH!". I remember smelling salts and pain. I remember fear, tears, then overwhelming joy and happiness as I held my healthy baby boy on May 22nd, 2012.
Today, May 22nd, 2019 that healthy baby boy is now a seven year old full of adventure, energy and dreams for his own future. Today, I am no longer desperately praying, begging and bartering for a healthy baby. Today, I am praying and prophesying for a spiritually healthy man of God. New fears have tried to grip me, fear of addiction, fear of adultery, fear of unbelief. And, again I find myself, crucified to self and relying on God. As much as I want to be in control, my little boy has free will, he has dreams that he will chase and a purpose to fulfill that I have no say over. I have to trust God, I rely on Him to guide me as I raise my little man the best that I can, while I have so much influence over him. I can not let fear keep me from letting him live. This generation can be scary to raise a child in, but our children can also be the ones to change it.
Happy Birthday Jude MacLean
(Jude - Give thanks, praise; MacLean- Servant)
Psalm 40
My Help and My Deliverer
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.40
I uwaited patiently for the LORD;
he inclined to me and vheard my cry.
2 He drew me up from wthe pit of destruction,
out of xthe miry bog,
and yset my feet upon a rock,
zmaking my steps secure.
3 He put aa new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will bsee and fear,
and put their trust in the LORD.
4 Blessed is the man who cmakes
the LORD his trust,
who does not turn to the proud,
to those who dgo astray after a lie!
5 You have multiplied, O LORD my God,
none can compare with you!
I will proclaim and tell of them,
yet they are gmore than can be told.
6 hIn sacrifice and offering you have not delighted,
Burnt offering and sin offering
you have not required.
7 Then I said, “Behold, I have come;
in the scroll of the book it is written jof me:
8 kI delight to do your will, O my God;
your law is lwithin my heart.”
9 I have told the glad news of deliverance2
in mthe great congregation;
behold, I have not nrestrained my lips,
oas you know, O LORD.
10 I have not hidden your deliverance within my heart;
I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation;
I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness
from the great congregation.
11 As for you, O LORD, you will not restrain
your mercy from me;
your psteadfast love and your faithfulness will
ever preserve me!
12 For evils have qencompassed me
beyond number;
my riniquities have overtaken me,
and I cannot ssee;
they are tmore than the hairs of my head;
my heart ufails me.
O LORD, xmake haste to help me!
14 yLet those be put to shame and disappointed altogether
who seek to snatch away my life;
let those be zturned back and brought to dishonor
who delight in my hurt!
15 Let those be appalled because of their shame
who asay to me, “Aha, Aha!”
16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation
bsay continually, “Great is the LORD!”
17 As for me, I am cpoor and needy,
but dthe Lord takes thought for me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
do not delay, O my God!
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